Alone

The group marched along,
Chanting and clapping,
Middle school girls mostly.
Laughter and giggles.
I was somewhere in the back,
Fitting in, relaxing into it,
Clap, clap, chant, chant.
Part of something larger
Than myself.
Flying under the radar,
A successful impostor.
One girl turned, smiling,
Eye contact, the smile
It suddenly turned to laughter.
Mocking, stabbing, aimed at me.
My heart took that stuttering beat,
Face flaming, I stopped where I stood.
The group continued on,
Chanting and clapping.
I waited to regain control,
They would not see how it hurt,
To be solidly placed outside.

The Bottle

At the grocery store tonight,
I picked up an old friend.
The familiar weight of liquid,
Wrapped in a paper bag.
It fools no one, but is somehow
More acceptable when covered.
I was doing the steps,
Twelve of them, six months sober.
Ran into an old friend,
Pulled into temptation.
Fire traced down my throat,
And I realized it was all her fault!
Every bit of it, from the first swallow,
To the crack of the glass on the sidewalk.
In a haze, I went after her,
Recall being thrown against a car.
Calm down, stop resisting,
You are going to jail
For domestic violence.
There was nothing domestic about it,
It was pure revenge for her making me drink.
Officer, it was all her fault,
Really, it was.
She made me bring
My old friend home.

Trigger

A small sound, or little texture,
Hits my nerves like a scalding burn.
Heart races, panic sets in,
No matter where I am .
Deep breaths, sit for a bit,
Slowly the senses slow down.
And I realize, after the fact,
That a trigger was pulled.

Set me down,
Let me free,
Hold on tight,
Release me.
I lost touch,
Gained it back,
Tightened rope,
Let it go slack.

Disappear

It has happened
Many times before,
The cat is gone.
For reasons unknown.
Once it was a car,
Another ran away.
And today we have
One more disappearance.
No idea where she is,
Or what happened.
All I can do is hope.

Seriously

She would ask if I was serious,
Which, of course, I was.
A battery of questions,
If things really happened,
Commentary about how fucked up it was.
I couldn't help but agree.
Talking about things I just took for granted,
Growing up.
Things that I know now were shocking,
And beyond belief.
Inevitably, it would come around,
In those conversations,
Why I never told anyone.
Well, I guess I never thought it was so bad,
For me.
And the others?
Their stories were not mine to tell.

Long Day

Have some chaos,
A bit of yelling over stupid stuff,
Ignore it, yes.
Interact, no.
Storm settles,
And the relentless assault
Of constant talking begins.
Loud, and louder.
I don't want to hear,
I can't help but notice.
Retreating into myself,
Slowly eroding away.

Midnight

She slipped out of bed,
Stealthy, quiet.
It was silent in the house,
Save for his breathing.
She hardly dared move
As she waited for his breaths
To become deeper and regular.
The sign he was really asleep,
Not laying in wait.
So many times,
She would get up, only to have
Him ask what she was doing.
It would be a bathroom trip,
Acceptable.
Tonight, no voice interrupted.
She crept through the house,
Avoiding the loose floorboard,
To the back door.
Stealthy, slowly, she opened it.
At this moment, she was free,
Absorbing moonlight, starlight,
The night smell of flowers
Hanging in the still air.
Shedding responsibility like
A discarded skin.
She stood, arms crossed,
And let the blessed sensation
Of nothing flow through her mind.

Trip and Fall

Headlong dash into the wind,
Hair blowing back,
Eyes half closed to see,
Dash down the hill,
Flop breathless at the bottom.
On my back,
I can see the clouds
Rushing to the horizon,
In long streamers.
Sudden stillness speaks
Of larger things to come,
The dark cloud intruding above,
Slash of lightning,
Deciding as the fat drops hit me,
To move toward the house.

Heat

After rain, clouds move away,
Scudding off,
Leaving summer's heat,
Dripping off branches,
In puddles on the dirt.
Moist, clinging to my skin,
Water lifted back into the air,
Steaming away.
Sudden warmth,
Draped over the landscape.

Childhood

I am not sure how old I was
When I was told by the thunder,
The old gods have powers.
A simple rock,
Shaped like the thunder-god,
Moss covered.
I giggled about the whole thing,
Only to have wind blow by,
Ancient breath.
Thunder in the distance,
Clouds forming,
Apology dropping.
A child,
Making it better,
Caught in the rainstorm.

Sky

Rose reluctantly fading to darkness,
Laid across the horizon.
Dark streaks of cloud,
Barely lit beneath.
Smell of drying grass
Adds dimension to the sight
Of the first star
Between the clouds tonight.

Deal with the Devil

Trade off, enchanting possibility.
Take the risk, or not,
Your choice.
Stay in the same stuck place,
Nothing changes, or it changes
All the time.
It is good, it is bad,
No one knows how it will be.
Then, you can deal with the devil,
A little experiment on your mind.
If you believe the shining story,
It will be stability and happiness.
But, will the trade off be a change
In the essence of me?
So, I take the deal with the devil,
but had no idea it would be
An ongoing dialogue,
Perhaps through years.

Brilliance

Brilliant hues of the grass
That has gotten ahead of
Springtime mowing.
Standing tall in the sun,
Riffling in the breeze,
Showing dandelions.
Suddenly, the green is muted,
Clouds roll in,
Threatening, looming,
A humid lid on this spring day.

Air

Under water,
Pulled along,
Down, down,
Green darkness,
Muddy bottom.
Struggle, kick,
Flail to the surface.
Sun glistens,
Bouncing off ripples.
Sucked down
One more time,
Shifting depths,
Moving silt.
Stronger kicks,
To the surface,
Burst through,
Shedding water droplets
Like crystals in the light.

When I Am Old

Will I have the rictus grin
Of the demented woman?
I imagine she saw echoes
Of someone she knew long ago.
Looking in the mirror,
Wondering who the crone could be,
As I am only ten years old today!
Looking forward to the birthday party,
All pink streamers and clouds of frosting.
Vaguely, I hear this man, he calls me Mom,
And I know for a fact this can't be right,
For I am only fifteen today!
I hope that Sammy down the street
Will stop by and join the party.
And suddenly, I am not sure what happened,
But there is Jane, passing by.
Why did she give me such a patient smile,
I felt a little foolish waving, expectant,
Now it is all gone.
I have come out of the restaurant with
My good son Joe and his lovely wife,
Helped into the car,
They put the wheelchair in the trunk,
And will take me home.

Language

I would speak the language of the stars,
Softly, with no accent, as I did as a child.
Communicating with the crushed spring grasses,
Spread upon the earth, in harmony.
Being part of the larger whole,
Effortless, assuming my place in the sacred dance.

Hawk

It sits on the post,
Way at the top of the power pole,
Bird of prey,
Hawk, most likely.
Surveys the territory,
Absolutely still.
Suddenly, it glides off,
Spiral on the updraft.
I think it is a bad day
To be a mouse in the field.

Crossroads

Standing at the crossroads,
Becoming one with the idea
Of directional changes,
Leaps of faith,
Dust in my nostrils,
Tears in my eyes,
Foundering in my first step
In the new direction,
Walking slowly away
From the tired paths,
Hoping, daring to believe,
This one will be it.

Thoughts

Rambling through a wilderness
Of tangles and brambles,
I have thoughts of people,
Places, events and tempests.
They flow like a river in my mind.
Dashed on rocks, some scatter.
Others get caught in a backwater eddy,
Recurring intrusively from time to time.
I let go a lot of other ones,
Flowing out to the metaphysical sea
In a great, fan shaped swath of discoloration.
The backwater thoughts sometimes
Get churned into dirty foam,
Laying in wait on the still surface,
Popping in the heat of midday sun.

Walking the Cat

We walk to the neighbors, my son and I,
It is dark out, but we have an obligation.
We are to feed their cats, and take in the mail.
Doesn't really matter what time of day we do it.
As we go in the silent darkness,
A shadow moves in and out of the light.
We both stop, trying to figure out which cat has followed.
When she goes into a shadow,
She completely disappears, becoming one with night.
Joy is her name, half wild, and half tame.
We kid around that we are taking the cat for a walk.
Light laughter in the evening.
She escorts us down the hill,
Then tirelessly takes us back home,
And I realize that I have just been taken for a walk.
By the cat.

Flock

It moves like one giant being,
Here, and there, swooping.
Noisy chatter follows this sky creature.
Back and forth, here and there,
Culminating in pieces,
Breaking off,
Pulled by gravity into treetops.
Emerging into single birds.

Chaos

The kitchen is in a tip,
Laundry is undone,
Clothing is wrinkled,
Toothpaste cap is gone.
The kitten is begging,
Dog is simply gone,
Birds are yelling,
Nevermind the rest.
Both phones are ringing,
A cable trapped my foot,
The coffee pot is empty,
No wonder it is ten a.m.
And honey, I am done!

I have no idea what to say,
The standard "so sorry for your loss"
Is inadequate.
I can't say I know how you feel,
But, I do imagine it is like losing
Your best friend, and dearest childhood playmate.
I imagine it is a huge hole,
That surprises you each time you catch a glimpse.
It must be the realization that he won't be there,
Silently communicating so many things.
Finishing sentences, a known loving presence.
Since I don't know what to say,
I will have to stick with the inadequate
I am so sorry you lost your brother.
And, if there is anything I can do....

Stars

I want to look at the stars tonight,
And see all the mystery laid before me.
I never understood how the constellations worked.
I can find Orion's Belt, and the Big Dipper.
Other than that, they are glittering dots
Spread on black velvet pallettes.
I remember seeing the Southern Cross,
In my younger travels, and being so excited!
No mistaking that one.
At my brothers, standing on his porch,
I looked up and saw the Milky Way,
Like I hadn't seen it since childhood.
I could have stayed forever.
I want to look at the stars tonight,
And remember, I am a speck in the cosmos.
I need that reminder,
From time to time.

Letting Go

Others want to let go of the year past,
Just tear it into shreds and let
The first wind passing through
Grab them, and take them away.
I can't just do that yet,
There was too much going on.
I need to savor the bits and pieces
For just a little while,
Hold them in my hands,
Observe them with my minds eye,
It is only when I have the important parts
That I can ritualistically shred the pieces,
Into small squares,
And toss them in the fire,
Saying a soft goodbye as the ashy
Fragments are carried away,
By the first wind passing through.